The Good in The Hard

 

This has, hands down been the hardest season of my life. 

Tears come easily and often. 

The grief from the loss is almost debilitating. 

But in the middle of all that there has been hope and goodness and grace. 

Here are a few of my favorites from the last two weeks- 

*Rissa buying, setting up and decorating a tree for us

*The student that told me she was praying and fasting for me and then bore her witness of how fasting makes prayer more powerful

*The woman who gave us her Kitchenaid mixer and then said, "I love Jesus too!"

*The police officer who pulled me over and then didn't give me a citation because I had the Christian radio playing and he said, "I am a Christian too."

*The student who made me a bracelet with the words- all things work together for my good.

*My friend, Leigh bringing soup but making sure to bring them in mason jars so I would have a few again

*My office being filled with food for us

*My sister, Kelli sending my favorite moisturizer, among many other things

*The raspberry sour cream cheesecake Nickie made

 

The outpouring of love has been so miraculous.

We have felt so loved, even in the midst of our tears. 

 

Christmas

 

I'm so grateful that a way was made so that we could all be together for Christmas.

We all got the flu, but at least we were together.

Here's pictures.

I don't have many words at this point.

 

Hayes Christmas Party

 

I love this picture so much. 

This is Ponka with his youngest great grandchild, James.

Family Christmas was hard, but also probably one of the funnest gift exchanges that we have ever had. 

There is this game called, "Keepin' it Saxxy" that has been in the exchange for about 5 years now.

No one wants that game.

We knew it was wrapped in the pile. 

It ended up that it was the last present.

We ALL knew what it was.

And no one would pick it.

Gifts were getting locked right and left and we were all laughing so hard.

Finally David picked it up.

He was the one who introduced the game to the exchange all those years ago.

It was good to be with family even though everyone is mourning the loss of mom. 

Life is just so different now than it was just one month ago. 

 

Grief on Top of Grief

 

It's taken me a couple of days to be able to write this post.

On Tuesday morning we lost all of our earthly possessions and all of our animals. 

We don't know how the fire started. 

Sam saw smoke coming from the house and she went in with a fire extinguisher to try and put it out, but it was already too much. 

As she crawled back out she passed Milo who was already dead on the floor by the door. 

To say that this is heart breaking doesn't seem to be enough. 

The fire department would not respond because they said we were just outside the fire service area. 

They could have put it out, because it was only smoking when I got home after driving for almost an hour. 

I'm sure there was fire in the house. 

Anyway...

Words do not come easily. 

But I want to point out so many tender mercies. 

The fact that Sam was not hurt. 

That I had my 5 yr journal in an overnight bag because I was supposed to stay over at Rissa's that night. 

The fact that Matt had the key to his tractor in his pocket! 

How his overcoat was in my car and all of our temple clothes were also in the car.

How Sam found my mom's pie plate in the ashes.

How Matt found his dad, Afton's belt buckle right on top of the ashes.

How people have POURED out help for us.

We have been overwhelmed with support and love. 

How my boss just happened to be in town that day and got a hotel for the first night and bought us a meal.

How our friends the Greathouses opened their Airbnb for us to stay in for a week. 

How a friend of Matt's donated his excavator for clean up.

The gift cards, clothes, movie tickets...

How Jenwood ran to our aid that first day with clothing and food in two suitcases.

How the Hobbs ran and got us new garments that first day.

The offer of the Jenskies shop house that is two doors down from the farm.

How President Hobbs gave us both blessings in the temple last night.

The joy and hugs from Ashley and Justin seeing us in the temple last night. 

And there is even more that I can't think of right now, because there has been so much. 

I believe that all things will work together for our good. 

I believe our sweet animals are with Jesus and my mom.

I am leaning in to the promise that God will make beauty from ashes. 

But I could sure use a break from all the losses.

It's Finished

 

It still doesn't feel real. 

I still can't believe that she is gone and that when I go to her house and walk in the door, she will no longer greet me from the couch. 

The graveside was heart wrenching. 

Dad offered the dedication on the grave and a simple prayer that included talking to mom and telling her how wonderful she was and how he was proud of all she accomplished. 

Then he ended it with, I will be with you soon. 

Nothing is the same as it was. 

Everyone is acting so weird. 

I guess that is what grief does to us. 

The family dinner was good. 

I am so grateful for all those who helped to make it happen. 

Cousins and siblings reunited.

We had a meal together. 

We took pictures. 

It's all just really hard right now.