Not right

The last 12 days have been a bit of a struggle for me and for our family.

I've sought for direction and guidance.

I've been given little tidbits here and there but nothing that was a direct confirmation.

One thing I have experienced is discomfort.

Not discomfort that leads to good things.

Things have felt wrong.

At first I was thinking it was from lack of sleep.

Then I thought it was because of the rudeness of others.

But there have been just a few times when I said I couldn't do this and those were the times when I felt good about things.

I thought that was weird.

As I talked to Matt yesterday I just told him that I couldn't do this emotionally or physically.

He told me that he had seen my 'countenance' change since all this happened.

I haven't been myself.

I've been angry.

Anyway, we told the case worker yesterday that this was not going to work.

I could do one kid or even two kids but not all three.

If someone else took the baby I could do this.

Anyway, within a day or two we will know if they are going to have someone else take the baby or if they take all three and place them somewhere else.

Either way I feel much better about that.

Him

Yesterday there was a rare moment when Matt and I were sitting on the couch facing each other.

Without anyone else.

We were both on our phones.

I don't know what he was doing but I was capturing secret pictures of him.

I had to get Makenna to get him to smile to get this picture.

I am so grateful for this guy.

He is the only man that I have ever loved in this life.

Our life has been anything but easy.

We've had some incredible bumps in the road that I wondered if we would make it over.

I am so glad to have him right now in the midst of the stretching we find ourselves in.

There is something about just having him in the house that makes things better.

Currently he is at work which is the reason why it has taken me a really, really long time to make this post.

These little kids demand a lot of time.

 

Choice

I want to make a couple of things clear.

I never wanted to take on three more kids.

I already raised my family. 

Corban is almost 13.

 I have three adult children.

I am going to be 44 years old this year.

And if I had wanted more kids I could have popped them out at any time.

I was in a place in my life where I could come and go as I pleased.

I had planned a trip to Salt Lake to see friends and go to RootsTech that had to be cancelled.

No one would choose to take this path on purpose.

Now my time will be spent in visits with parents, grandparents, OCS workers, GAL's, and specialists.

I won't be able to spend as much time in the greenhouse and garden.

I won't be able to spend as much time in genealogy work.

I will have to figure out how to balance Corban's education with all of these extras in the house.

One of the worst parts of this are the family members that have no regard for me or my family. 

One thing I have learned about setting boundaries is that I can cut people out of my life and not feel bad about that.

That is probably going to happen just so I can do this.

The only reason I am doing this is because I did make one choice.

I chose to follow my Heavenly Father and do what He asked me to do.

That is the ONLY reason I am going to survive this.

In the meantime, I cry tears for plans abandoned and a freedom that I was enjoying. 

Plus Three

How do I even begin this post?

Addiction is a horrible thing. 

She did really well for 2 1/2 years,

Got  married, had baby number three and seemed stable.

Then I saw her at Christmas and I knew. 

No one had to even say anything. 

On Wednesday, when I was on a plane waiting for takeoff to San Diego, I got the call that all three kids (5, 3 and 5 months) were being placed in our home.

I have run the gammet of emotions since.

Most of them are exhaustion induced. 

Some have not been Christlike.

One thing is for sure. 

True healing only comes through Christ.

Period.

I don't care who you are.

My prayer is that she will head in that direction.

And that prayer will continue while I wipe noses, change diapers and try to soothe crying children who do not understand why their world has changed so drastically.

Except Jamie.

She knows and she is so happy to be here.

It will continue as I change plans made almost 6 months ago.

It will continue as I try to help my son home school in an environment that is difficult for him. 

So many things have been turned upside down because of the choices of two people.

Our decisions effect so many more than just ourselves.

San Diego: Last Day

Today included Denny's, Ho Chi Minh Trail, and La Jolla Tide Pools.

The Ho Chi Minh was serious business.

We did the trail where we were walled in.

There were a few times when I wondered if we were going to make it.

I scraped up my knee, but it was totally worth it to say we did it.

It took us almost an hour to get down.

There were times we were scaling the walls with hands on one side and feet on the other. 

The beach it came to was a beautiful black sand beach.

The kids played in ocean some more- of course! 

 The tide pools were really awesome.

Corban found a bunch of crabs.

I explored a little and then just sat on the grass and took in the sun and the breeze.

It was another beautiful day.

Sadly, our sun kissed faces had to say goodbye to San Diego and Katie.

Makenna was especially sad.

It was a good break from the Alaska life. 

 

San Diego: Day Three

When you are on a four day vacation (actually three full days) it is important to jam in as much stuff as possible. 

Today we started out with the Donut Bar.

It was incredible.

They had creme brulee, strawberry shortcake, nutella, strawberry cheesecake, so many yummy donuts.

We each picked one and ate it in the upstairs loft.

After our donut bliss we did some hiking at Torrey Pines.

I loved the smell of the chapparel.

It's been a long time since I have smelled it.

The weather was perfect.

We did the beach access trail and it was so warm and the air was salty.

Corban touched a cactus for the first time too.

The beach was awesome! 

The kids just played and played in the surf.

Before getting to Torrey Pines we came around a corner and saw the temple! 

So then we HAD to stop and take pictures.

I love the San Diego temple.

It is where my college friends and I took a trip during spring break.

It's where Matt and I did a session while we were on our honeymoon.

And now I took two of our kids there. 

Pretty awesome.

 After Torrey Pines we had to fit in another beach.

We went to La Jolla Cove.

It was the coolest thing to see all the sea lions and this to them squawking at each other.  

Of course the kids just played in the water a ton while I explored and enjoyed the sun. 

 It was a really good day! 
We capped it off with Cheesecake Factory.
The salted caramel cheesecake was heaven.