Hard Days

I sometimes wonder what I knew about how my life would play out before I came to this earth. 

I know that we lived in a premortal realm and that we were given certain assignments.

I also know, because of my patriarchal blessing, that I knew there was going to be a lot of wickedness on the earth at this time.

I felt like I would be okay because of the people I surrounded myself with and that I would have the strength to withstand satan's temptations.

What I did not know was how I would feel when that wickedness came knocking at my very door.

I am sure I was so excited for this earthly part of my story.

However, when you add in what heartache, pain, and sorrow feel like, it definitely changes the dynamic.

And quite frankly, I'm not sure how excited I would have been had I known then what those emotions would feel like.

But it's all part of the plan. 

If we didn't have emotions we wouldn't becoming more like our Heavenly Father or closer to Him.

Friday night, my oldest child removed her name from the records of the church.

She made claims about inappropriate behavior from a leader when she was a youth, called Joseph Smith a conman, mocked the temple, and demonized our parenting.

She is lost and anyone can look at the life she is living and see it.

Even those who do not believe the same as we do.

It's interesting to me how many times this human heart can break.

It's pretty resilient since it just keeps beating.

And I feel like I am in good company.

My own Heavenly Father had 1/3 part of his children do the exact same thing she has done. 

In the after math I could still see God's hand in my day yesterday as I sifted through the information and spoke with her face to face.

The love of a grandson, who spoke my name over and over again through the hours of him being with me.

The early morning sunrise after days and days and days of rain that poured over the buffalo field.

The companionship of Matt Hale who hashed it all out with me helping me make sense of it.

The recollection of scriptures that told me she still knows deep down what is true.

Plus the cream puff and the spinach bread at the fair didn't hurt any thing either.